Hey guys- guess what I just found out- we're teachers!

Something happens when you spend a lot of time instructing students in a classroom: eventually you realize that you're a teacher.

Maybe that particular part of me will be a big part of my life forever, and maybe it won't. Right now I'm thinking it might turn out that way, but who knows. The point is that right now that particular part of me is turned on, and when I'm at school, I am a teacher. I'm not pretending to be a teacher, I'm not posing as a teacher. I have spent the past 11 months (yes, really almost a whole year that we've been here) learning how to do that, how to develop my ideas into lessons, how to teach like a Delta high school student learns, how to speak the language of my students (or at least enough to allow academic communication and even flecks of real communication). Just realizing that I am more competent than I call myself, just having some confidence, suddenly puts a tone in my voice and a calmness in my classroom mannerisms that is one thousand times more effective than scrambling through each class (no matter how prepared I am or am not) afraid of messing up. Just recognizing the legitimacy of my role as a teacher suddenly makes it far more difficult for student actions to affect my focus on instruction.

I had a relaxed night with some MTC people yesterday evening, and it worked wonders. -Funny, I tried to relax over Easter break, but the isolation got to me and gave me too much time to think, which is as draining as working, and distracted me from work. I did get caught up on sleep and my space is finally near how I want it. Maybe just in time to move, depending on the plans of the new first years.- Anyway, some time with friends was really nice, and today was really, really good (and after a really bad yesterday, too).

Today, I actually loved teaching. I was intent on connecting with the students to explain balancing equations, and they were into it. My biology II kids started excel data analysis- maybe I'm behind since I'm just doing that with them now, I don't know, but it's certainly not in the curriculum. I (hate to admit it but) often look forward to the end of every day and dread the next classes. I realized I don't have to approach it that way. If you don't think you're drained, suddenly you're not, and it can actually be energizing to really work through a concept with an engaged class. It is, of course, easier on days when you can actually get really into teaching, when your kids are responsive and interested, but again, I think that has a lot to do with just being calm and confident. The kids pick up on it. I'm sure luck and the social life and the amount of sunlight and what they served for breakfast have something to do with it to, but most of it I think is possible to control. That's one of the things I remember about my favorite and most capable teacher from high school; he always managed to somehow get us to shut out anything else that was going on in, even if we weren't even that into math, which was his subject, and just focus on what he had to teacher us that particular day. In his classroom, time was spent learning math.

As the final months of the year begin to spin by, I am suddenly hopeful and calm. (well, not always, but more often than usual). I smile with my students more often, and usually we get more done. I have less patience for laziness. I am so intolerant that I even get angry with my students over it- something I have to let go of, I think, because it accomplishes nothing; They like to see me get mad. After all, what could be funnier? I'm looking forward to planning next year, and changing everything.

I'm also looking forward to hopefully catching up with the ocean and the way morning smells when it's yours and the way summer wakes you up and live guitar sparks and the way...............

okay, I guess I should focus back on school and class this weekend, huh.