Some personal stuff...

Is it a common feeling that who you really are is something that you stow safely in a box someplace to remove only when, rarely, the smoke clears, and then you open it up and realize that the thing inside is senseless and trivial and selfish, childish and wild?

When I first came here I was wildly optimistic, ready for the experience and sure I could handle anything and change everything, for someone, at least. Of course I am completely scornful now of my ridiculous heroic notions, partly because they proved so ineffective and partly because of the uninformed arrogance they were rooted in. More than that, though, is that bit by bit I have packed up all those parts of me, and what is left, what I show my kids everyday, is something I don't recognize and am a little ashamed to have allowed to take over. The thing is, the other stuff wasn't working. Something is missing from my teaching, now, though; the creativity and excitement I had over the summer for inventing new activities, getting kids to figure things out, trying to inspire or make the day a tiny bit more fun- that stuff is less, by a lot. I am counting the days and its not fair to anyone, especially my kids. I know there has to be a way to embrace this, to do your best and work through it and not loose the excitement that I allowed to dissolve a long time ago. I am upset with my kids, even if they don't deserve it, and I am upset with myself. I think I really do pack away all the good stuff, like I am afraid of burning out all the stardust when I start finding out that it doesn't have the power I thought it did, and I am packing it away to save it and hoping it to fix it when I finally re-open the box. A friend told me that he believed it is "needy to expect them to love you back" (the kids). Of course that's true. I think when I am counting the days, I mean that I am selfishly not really looking full-force at the present, but rather waiting for days when I can open the box, brush off the dust, and have faith in my old nonsense again, even if it is powerless outside of a tiny little circle, even if it cannot fix the world as I once foolishly thought it could. One of the most difficult things to learn here, I think, was that the things I have faith in (mainly beauty, love, magic) are not the cure for everything. I guess I am just not willing or able to relinquish them, though. I believe too strongly that you should never stop being fierce about the few things that feel exactly right, even if everyone else things they are completely foolish, foolish as that notion may be. You can begin to see things more realistically, though; you don't loose anything, just grow deeper. Anyway, I find myself seeking out bits of company and warmth and sweetness when I should be more focused.....suppose I should get on that... hope everyone's great...see you guys soon.