A personal rant about friendship. I think I've given up keeping my private thoughts out of this; they are just too entangled with all the others.

I always feel more for other people than they feel for me. I have come to rely on the teacher corps group, to love them as friends. I look forward to Oxford weekends, to seeing faces and hearing voices and feeling light, and it always seems like we leave having looked into a window at a beautiful scene inside that is beyond reach. We always scatter back to our busy lives and fight our big and small fights for another set of weeks. Every time, I accidentally paint up a picture in my mind made of bright colored heartbeats in time from those hours, and look at it unintentionally between working and thinking and drawing straight lines. Rather than chase every spark of affection, I hide from all of them, or most, because it matters to much to me. Is there a use and a purpose for this kind of thought pattern? I could probably stop it, but it took so long to get to this level of honesty. I might be more productive, better off, in a different way, but I don't see how it matters. Anyway, I wonder what will happen to all of these friendship-fragments, and if they will grow stronger with common memory or weaker with distance and time.

I also wonder if I can get everything done this weekend. If anything, this frame of mind is time consuming, and I think that's why I sometimes consider turning it off.