Quarter till five, am. These hours are my favorites.

I carve out a space to exist, and think.

Most everything has been alone lately, actually. Outside of school, it's really just me. I could visit, probably. But I might feel like an imposition. Plus, I figured out the "why" of it. If I enforce loneliness, I control it. When life is this busy, you want to be able to wrap your hands around everything you deal with, to handle everything that touches you. Relationships have a way of handling you, as they should- some things you're not supposed to control, which means it could go a thousand ways, every time you try to connect with someone. And the reaction to it ripples under my skin for days, every single time.

Alone is easier.

There is more on my plate than I think I ever had at once, right now. I feel OK about it.
List: 1) School, planning, grading. State tested, and writing lesson plans for me and another teacher for my other prep. Essentially, I have all the Biology planning at the school, so it better be good.
2) SATP retesting in September. Again, this is no one else's job, and there will be lots of re-testers. Probably after school sessions, and I will have to find a way to get them to come.
3) My lab needs work.
4) The State. I am proud to work where I work- I don't feel this sense of shame that other teachers talk about. I like our little community, I feel close to many of the teachers, I love my students. I've never had this before. If the school has to go through this, I guess I'd rather be there with them. It is, though, a lot of work. 40 page assessment instrument, including scripted interview, 2 observations, document portfolio that will be a challenge, teaching under a microscope. Ready by October 4. Really nervous about this one. Need to get on it soon. (Meeting about it was Tuesday.)
5) Ole miss. Um...need I say more. Everyone knows what the latest casses entail.

I will do my best with it. I am happy right now, maybe as happy as I've ever been, except for a few select moments in time- such as summer- that exist on a whole different spectrum.

Part of it is coming to accept hurt as part of living. We love, so we hurt. Accepting sadness makes me happier.

Part of it, as always, is freedom, and understanding that it is ours, always. Independence is very, very good. We choose everything we do, and why choose to do anything but give it everything we've got? When there is choice, and it is our decision to make, and the work matters, there is a new kind of drive. And everything feels like failure, like not quite enough, even when we find some small success.

Part of it is taking time for myself, even in the midst of all of this. I burn out if I don't unwind, because I get so caught up in whatever it is I'm doing. You can only wind up so tightly before you need some release to function effectively. Living essentially alone (one roommate and we barely see each other) gives me all of my time to do what I need or want to do with it. Last year was too many people in one space. This is much better.

With all of this alone time- even while I'm doing other necessary things, like grading and driving and laundry and washing and shopping- come questions. If I am happy this way, should we, should I, always live like this? Wildly busy so that I am not left with pent up useless energy at the end of a day, so that my rests are deserved, so that I am using myself more completely. (I think that's it! That's why this is better than before- I am using myself more throughly, with more dedication, more completely than ever before, and with better reason, even if it's not totally complete because I still take time for me.) Is this the right way to live for me? What about other kinds of personal, selfish satisfaction? What about relationships that we live by, as in when people have a significant other that is part of their life style. At some point, some of the focus shifts from one's job and goes toward a personal or family life, for most people...right?
What about writing? I like what I'm doing, but it is not what I am made for, as some people say. I need to write, create, break boundaries and learn, just to breathe. Where will I find a teacher? I have a million questions, and I used to have college professors that would talk with me, but we are long out of touch (though I have been trying here and there), and there is some learning that I need, and I could use some guidance, someone to talk with who has thought about all this already. The only person who was ever really that for me was the wisest man I've ever met, and he did not return my last e-mail. It is a personal thing, and requires seeing someone, in person. I am past the point where my parents can help with this- questions about happiness and fate and meaning and love and passion's purpose and what we are made of and how we should live and how to make progress and change and how much it is possible to be and how to go about it and what our obligations are to people as a whole, and who will be by our sides or will we be alone, and how do we work together and how do we find the right people to work with. I think a little guidance could help me to be and do a lot more than I am now. An adult, someone older and wiser to talk with me for an hour, give me some suggestions. Not that I am not adult...but I guess I just miss the guidance of people who have thought through all this stuff already, and been everywhere with it.

A couple more questions. If we are complete by ourselves, with our hungers and empty spaces, as I believe we are, then why do we get lonely and think about the people we love and dream of company?

When are most people most themselves?

And why are strangers smiles so sweet. Understanding, simple connection...what is it about connection that melts us?

One more thing, about the kids. I am trying every creative thing I can, and will be trying lots more. It sometimes feels impossible to get them to understand a concept, like, for example, the difference between the independent and dependent variables. We have done over a dozen examples, gone through the history with Redi, working on presentations followed by a lab...and I still feel like most of them are missing the point. This is really frustrating, and feels like failure, even when my classroom looks and feels a lot closer to how I pictured it when I started this. Will keep trying, but if anyone has any suggestions-?

P.S I didn't mean that my teachers now aren't great. Especially the morning class really gets me thinking- in the way I'm talking about, even- as did the Issues in Ed. course. And I'm not expecting someone to answer all my questions. I just mean that a long one-on-one conversation with someone who knows and has been there can sometimes help me make progress.