Quarter till five, am. These hours are my favorites.

I carve out a space to exist, and think.

Most everything has been alone lately, actually. Outside of school, it's really just me. I could visit, probably. But I might feel like an imposition. Plus, I figured out the "why" of it. If I enforce loneliness, I control it. When life is this busy, you want to be able to wrap your hands around everything you deal with, to handle everything that touches you. Relationships have a way of handling you, as they should- some things you're not supposed to control, which means it could go a thousand ways, every time you try to connect with someone. And the reaction to it ripples under my skin for days, every single time.

Alone is easier.

There is more on my plate than I think I ever had at once, right now. I feel OK about it.
List: 1) School, planning, grading. State tested, and writing lesson plans for me and another teacher for my other prep. Essentially, I have all the Biology planning at the school, so it better be good.
2) SATP retesting in September. Again, this is no one else's job, and there will be lots of re-testers. Probably after school sessions, and I will have to find a way to get them to come.
3) My lab needs work.
4) The State. I am proud to work where I work- I don't feel this sense of shame that other teachers talk about. I like our little community, I feel close to many of the teachers, I love my students. I've never had this before. If the school has to go through this, I guess I'd rather be there with them. It is, though, a lot of work. 40 page assessment instrument, including scripted interview, 2 observations, document portfolio that will be a challenge, teaching under a microscope. Ready by October 4. Really nervous about this one. Need to get on it soon. (Meeting about it was Tuesday.)
5) Ole miss. Um...need I say more. Everyone knows what the latest casses entail.

I will do my best with it. I am happy right now, maybe as happy as I've ever been, except for a few select moments in time- such as summer- that exist on a whole different spectrum.

Part of it is coming to accept hurt as part of living. We love, so we hurt. Accepting sadness makes me happier.

Part of it, as always, is freedom, and understanding that it is ours, always. Independence is very, very good. We choose everything we do, and why choose to do anything but give it everything we've got? When there is choice, and it is our decision to make, and the work matters, there is a new kind of drive. And everything feels like failure, like not quite enough, even when we find some small success.

Part of it is taking time for myself, even in the midst of all of this. I burn out if I don't unwind, because I get so caught up in whatever it is I'm doing. You can only wind up so tightly before you need some release to function effectively. Living essentially alone (one roommate and we barely see each other) gives me all of my time to do what I need or want to do with it. Last year was too many people in one space. This is much better.

With all of this alone time- even while I'm doing other necessary things, like grading and driving and laundry and washing and shopping- come questions. If I am happy this way, should we, should I, always live like this? Wildly busy so that I am not left with pent up useless energy at the end of a day, so that my rests are deserved, so that I am using myself more completely. (I think that's it! That's why this is better than before- I am using myself more throughly, with more dedication, more completely than ever before, and with better reason, even if it's not totally complete because I still take time for me.) Is this the right way to live for me? What about other kinds of personal, selfish satisfaction? What about relationships that we live by, as in when people have a significant other that is part of their life style. At some point, some of the focus shifts from one's job and goes toward a personal or family life, for most people...right?
What about writing? I like what I'm doing, but it is not what I am made for, as some people say. I need to write, create, break boundaries and learn, just to breathe. Where will I find a teacher? I have a million questions, and I used to have college professors that would talk with me, but we are long out of touch (though I have been trying here and there), and there is some learning that I need, and I could use some guidance, someone to talk with who has thought about all this already. The only person who was ever really that for me was the wisest man I've ever met, and he did not return my last e-mail. It is a personal thing, and requires seeing someone, in person. I am past the point where my parents can help with this- questions about happiness and fate and meaning and love and passion's purpose and what we are made of and how we should live and how to make progress and change and how much it is possible to be and how to go about it and what our obligations are to people as a whole, and who will be by our sides or will we be alone, and how do we work together and how do we find the right people to work with. I think a little guidance could help me to be and do a lot more than I am now. An adult, someone older and wiser to talk with me for an hour, give me some suggestions. Not that I am not adult...but I guess I just miss the guidance of people who have thought through all this stuff already, and been everywhere with it.

A couple more questions. If we are complete by ourselves, with our hungers and empty spaces, as I believe we are, then why do we get lonely and think about the people we love and dream of company?

When are most people most themselves?

And why are strangers smiles so sweet. Understanding, simple connection...what is it about connection that melts us?

One more thing, about the kids. I am trying every creative thing I can, and will be trying lots more. It sometimes feels impossible to get them to understand a concept, like, for example, the difference between the independent and dependent variables. We have done over a dozen examples, gone through the history with Redi, working on presentations followed by a lab...and I still feel like most of them are missing the point. This is really frustrating, and feels like failure, even when my classroom looks and feels a lot closer to how I pictured it when I started this. Will keep trying, but if anyone has any suggestions-?

P.S I didn't mean that my teachers now aren't great. Especially the morning class really gets me thinking- in the way I'm talking about, even- as did the Issues in Ed. course. And I'm not expecting someone to answer all my questions. I just mean that a long one-on-one conversation with someone who knows and has been there can sometimes help me make progress.

I don't usually post anything super personal here because I am so impressed by so many of my peers that I don't want to challenge the nature of it or waste anyone's time by using this inappropriately as an outlet. This one's border-line. And cheesy, but me.

I am made of two parts: One part that is careening through the universe, and caught on fire, and that cannot be still, and that is wrapped up in a new song and swallowed whole by the passion, jealous of it's fierce honesty. That part of me wants to burn across the globe finding friends (anyone who understands) and learning to play music so I can get it out from under my skin (and maybe be still for a second), and writing and writing and writing, and that part of me will never be complete until it is allow to grow until it grows tired (as I hope it won't), or grows to be softer.

One part is the part that has me in Mississippi, finding love for a community that I am hungrily working to belong to, spending most of my time fighting not to be another disappointment to the beauty that is disappointed over and over again, wondering how I should be living, how I should be doing better by my students and moreover their families, contemplating the meaning of leadership and the nature of my obligation, of everyone's obligation, to pursue it, and on Friday night every other weekend, drinking in a few exhausted hours of solitude.

One of the most significant differences for me this year outside of the classroom is my living situation. I have one roommate- so far so good, and a lot of personal space that I didn't realize I wanted or needed. While I got a lot out of the support of four roommates last year, I am also getting a lot out of the peace and solitude of just one, who is barely around. It's freedom to live my own life, and see what it is made of when there is no one else frequently and immediately in my personal time and space. Most of it of course goes to school, but some of it I claim for my sanity, and even the balance of those says something about me and my choices that I might not have known before.

The number one difference between the first week of the first year and the first week of the second year is that the second time around it is easier to love the kids rather than blame them for their behavior and flail ineffectively against something you have not even begun to understand. It is so much easier this year to see the KIDS, to see what they are and understand that there a reason for every one of their actions, to see them for the sensitive and (importantly) young people that they are, to forgive them rather than trying to befriend them, to do your best to be the adult that they need in any situation that might arise in your classroom. With love and understanding also comes kindness that you notice in yourself and find yourself eagerly trying to offer the kids who sometimes seem to be crying out for it, without loosing the strict environment that seems to make for the most effective classroom. It is easier to be the adult this year, to see what the kids really need (or so I think; I guess I shouldn't assume) and there is more joy in it because you have more to offer your kids.

The second year there are thousands (maybe literally) of things you want to change, but you have a clearer idea of how to get it done. There is more positive excitement and maybe even more positive pressure, and much greater satisfaction thus far. It is easier to feel capable, and that feeling of success, the feeling that you might actually be doing something good for these kids, makes you even more responsible for them and pushes you even harder.

That being said, I also know my limits far better than I did last year. I need to sleep. No sleep= horrible day. (Same goes for not enough sleep.) It's still tempting, though. I also need time to not think about school; it's really, really important for perspective. I realized (tonight, actually) that if I am going to be the adult that these kids deserve in my classroom, then I am going to have to take some time to be myself outside of it, and not feel guilty, and not worry about it for a little while. I wasted a lot of time in a state of general burnout last year, because I felt I was doing a lousy job and never forgave myself for it enough to get a break and get better.
This year, I am taking some time to disengage.

Of course, there are the obvious differences as well: There are many kids that I remember and enjoy seeing during the day, and find myself wanting to know how they're doing and offer them any help I can give them. I actually started noticing this last year, with my graduating seniors. When they're not in your classroom anymore, you suddenly have trouble letting go and wish you could give them more. I am trying to be stricter this year, by a long shot. I did not like the way my classroom ran last year. This year, I am more aware that it is truly MY classroom, and I am trying to do what needs to be done to keep it that way, the only way that class time is going to be used effectively. I'm sure I'm still making mistakes, and there are still little uncertainties, but it feels so much better, and I am excited to get through the preliminary stuff (materials, binder set-up, student "likes" surveys, procedures review and quiz, pre-test, etc.) to actually use my lessons. We'll see how those go. I hope that the kids will get out of them what they are designed to teach; kind of nerve-wracking actually. (There's also extra pressure because I am state-tested this year and we're level 1/priority). If this is my best shot at this, what if it fails? I guess I'll have to stream line and make corrections as I go along. Wish me luck, and good luck to everyone.