Through another teacher's story, I heard that some teacher corps teachers were impressed by some of the presentations made this past weekend, and disappointed that they did not feel like they had made the same level of contribution.

Not to validate their concerns, because I'm sure those concerned are excellent teachers, but that is a fear that I share.

In concept, our situations are full of potential. We are given thirty students for an hour at a time, a required content area, and a job: teach! We spend time dreaming about what we can do, coming up with solutions and ideas and hopes. We are passionate and we care.

Then we're hit all at once with a situation, passion is caged by exhaustion, wounded by failure. And then, slowly, we begin un-knotting the uncertainty we are tangled in and weakened tendrils of our potential begin to escape and get to work. Slow, painstaking work that doesn't progress linearly, that doesn't leave any solid evidence of accomplishment for a very long time, and when it begins to, the evidence is shakey and the real cause is uncertain. Except sometimes we just don't care and we can see what to do and how to do it and we are not hindered or inhibited and we could do anything especially this and people will respond and we will make a difference because we are made of spark and strength and we could work endlessly hard and never get tired. I am ashamed that I'm not there now, that I am selfishly unfocused and looking to summer. I wonder how to get there. I'm sure comfort in the classroom, confidence, has something to do with it. I think relationships do, too. Maybe teacher corps should start doing some kind of a partnership program where you have to work with one other teacher to come up with a project, outside of teaching, that impacts your students.
Aren't we all looking for that fire that transforms us into the most inspired and capable creatures we could be?

I don't like the feeling that I'm living for myself, that my head isn't where it should be anymore. It's natural to try to be happy, but I feel like I'm pulling out, like I'm waiting for the end. I think that might be partly because state testing was last week and the three classes during which I actually tried to teach content were a complete and total disaster, complete with calling the assistant principal to explain to my students that they have to work in my classroom every day, and for the very few classes that I even had any of my students, I ended up showing videos. (Note, schedule: 1st period for 4 hours, then either 1st (yes, again), 2nd, and 3rd), or 5th, 6th, and 7th, except if you are testing and it's a day before the test you go to a teacher to be tutored in your subject area as a 4-hour cram session, and if you are taking a test you're not there , and if you teach an actual subject area you are tutoring for the days before the test and proctoring at least one exam, and your kids are all gone other days.) I'm hoping I will feel like I'm doing something again once we start real classes back up.

Anyway, I have big hopes for next year, and I'm hoping to find the spark that drives the passion that some of this year's class has exemplified.