Just one quick note. I stumbled into work today after teaching virtually nothing last week (state testing). I was feeling out of the loop, unengaged, and unsuccessful. It took the space of about thirty seconds- stimulus a room full of over-energetic 11th graders- for me to get over it and swing into completely inexplicably giddy mode. The edge wore off slowly during first period, but the mood didn't fade completely and helped me get through the day. So maybe I didn't actually deserve to be completely exuberant since I'm definitely behind on lots of important stuff, but claiming a little unearned joy seems to make everything lighter on a Monday morning.

Through another teacher's story, I heard that some teacher corps teachers were impressed by some of the presentations made this past weekend, and disappointed that they did not feel like they had made the same level of contribution.

Not to validate their concerns, because I'm sure those concerned are excellent teachers, but that is a fear that I share.

In concept, our situations are full of potential. We are given thirty students for an hour at a time, a required content area, and a job: teach! We spend time dreaming about what we can do, coming up with solutions and ideas and hopes. We are passionate and we care.

Then we're hit all at once with a situation, passion is caged by exhaustion, wounded by failure. And then, slowly, we begin un-knotting the uncertainty we are tangled in and weakened tendrils of our potential begin to escape and get to work. Slow, painstaking work that doesn't progress linearly, that doesn't leave any solid evidence of accomplishment for a very long time, and when it begins to, the evidence is shakey and the real cause is uncertain. Except sometimes we just don't care and we can see what to do and how to do it and we are not hindered or inhibited and we could do anything especially this and people will respond and we will make a difference because we are made of spark and strength and we could work endlessly hard and never get tired. I am ashamed that I'm not there now, that I am selfishly unfocused and looking to summer. I wonder how to get there. I'm sure comfort in the classroom, confidence, has something to do with it. I think relationships do, too. Maybe teacher corps should start doing some kind of a partnership program where you have to work with one other teacher to come up with a project, outside of teaching, that impacts your students.
Aren't we all looking for that fire that transforms us into the most inspired and capable creatures we could be?

I don't like the feeling that I'm living for myself, that my head isn't where it should be anymore. It's natural to try to be happy, but I feel like I'm pulling out, like I'm waiting for the end. I think that might be partly because state testing was last week and the three classes during which I actually tried to teach content were a complete and total disaster, complete with calling the assistant principal to explain to my students that they have to work in my classroom every day, and for the very few classes that I even had any of my students, I ended up showing videos. (Note, schedule: 1st period for 4 hours, then either 1st (yes, again), 2nd, and 3rd), or 5th, 6th, and 7th, except if you are testing and it's a day before the test you go to a teacher to be tutored in your subject area as a 4-hour cram session, and if you are taking a test you're not there , and if you teach an actual subject area you are tutoring for the days before the test and proctoring at least one exam, and your kids are all gone other days.) I'm hoping I will feel like I'm doing something again once we start real classes back up.

Anyway, I have big hopes for next year, and I'm hoping to find the spark that drives the passion that some of this year's class has exemplified.

Hey guys- guess what I just found out- we're teachers!

Something happens when you spend a lot of time instructing students in a classroom: eventually you realize that you're a teacher.

Maybe that particular part of me will be a big part of my life forever, and maybe it won't. Right now I'm thinking it might turn out that way, but who knows. The point is that right now that particular part of me is turned on, and when I'm at school, I am a teacher. I'm not pretending to be a teacher, I'm not posing as a teacher. I have spent the past 11 months (yes, really almost a whole year that we've been here) learning how to do that, how to develop my ideas into lessons, how to teach like a Delta high school student learns, how to speak the language of my students (or at least enough to allow academic communication and even flecks of real communication). Just realizing that I am more competent than I call myself, just having some confidence, suddenly puts a tone in my voice and a calmness in my classroom mannerisms that is one thousand times more effective than scrambling through each class (no matter how prepared I am or am not) afraid of messing up. Just recognizing the legitimacy of my role as a teacher suddenly makes it far more difficult for student actions to affect my focus on instruction.

I had a relaxed night with some MTC people yesterday evening, and it worked wonders. -Funny, I tried to relax over Easter break, but the isolation got to me and gave me too much time to think, which is as draining as working, and distracted me from work. I did get caught up on sleep and my space is finally near how I want it. Maybe just in time to move, depending on the plans of the new first years.- Anyway, some time with friends was really nice, and today was really, really good (and after a really bad yesterday, too).

Today, I actually loved teaching. I was intent on connecting with the students to explain balancing equations, and they were into it. My biology II kids started excel data analysis- maybe I'm behind since I'm just doing that with them now, I don't know, but it's certainly not in the curriculum. I (hate to admit it but) often look forward to the end of every day and dread the next classes. I realized I don't have to approach it that way. If you don't think you're drained, suddenly you're not, and it can actually be energizing to really work through a concept with an engaged class. It is, of course, easier on days when you can actually get really into teaching, when your kids are responsive and interested, but again, I think that has a lot to do with just being calm and confident. The kids pick up on it. I'm sure luck and the social life and the amount of sunlight and what they served for breakfast have something to do with it to, but most of it I think is possible to control. That's one of the things I remember about my favorite and most capable teacher from high school; he always managed to somehow get us to shut out anything else that was going on in, even if we weren't even that into math, which was his subject, and just focus on what he had to teacher us that particular day. In his classroom, time was spent learning math.

As the final months of the year begin to spin by, I am suddenly hopeful and calm. (well, not always, but more often than usual). I smile with my students more often, and usually we get more done. I have less patience for laziness. I am so intolerant that I even get angry with my students over it- something I have to let go of, I think, because it accomplishes nothing; They like to see me get mad. After all, what could be funnier? I'm looking forward to planning next year, and changing everything.

I'm also looking forward to hopefully catching up with the ocean and the way morning smells when it's yours and the way summer wakes you up and live guitar sparks and the way...............

okay, I guess I should focus back on school and class this weekend, huh.

Sunday morning after an Oxford weekend, a rare moment of stillness, of peace.

First of all, someone requested thoughts on athletics. I've already written about this a bit, and its pretty simple. Athletics at a school where you are teaching are incredible. They make you so proud that these are your kids, and victory is so sweet in the midst of what feels like a thousand failures, even if you are only sitting on the side lines, coach or not. Even if the team doesn't win, seeing the kids care so much about something when they often seem repressed and turned of and worn out and too old and indifferent and angry and numb and hardened- not always, but not never- is a powerful medicine. Its like they get to physically fight for something in a way they know how, and it always seems like they are using the games to let out pent-up energy, like they are battling more than the other team. It's an escape, a refuge, and chance to stand up for something that they know how to fight for. I've always felt like athletics in the Delta have an air of emotional release, desperate happiness and enthusiasm that can wrap you up in an adrenaline rush that gets you awake and things and inspired again. And leave you in tears, tangled up in all the energy and seeing with perfect clarity (because you just get to be proud of them without worrying about whether or not they understand the lesson and whether or not they are supposed to be talking) that your kids deserve better that what they receive.

Anyway...

This week's been crammed- grades, four or five student recommendations by Friday for various summer programs, last day to requisition some chemicals that my principal agreed to allow me to order, starting new units in both chemistry and biology (which always makes me a little nervous because it usually means teaching something I've never taught before whereas topics tend to become routine, and explanations are easier after the twenty-fifth time answering the same question), assignments due Saturday.

Of course everyone's week is different, but we were all exhausted yesterday. A small group decided to stick around Oxford for dinner instead of going directly home last night. We talked a little, but for the most part it was a pretty quiet table. I loved it. Commonality of experience- knowing that we were all exhausted for the same reason, and probably all wanting company for the same reason- that seemed really comfortable and supportive. We all hugged goodnight before parting for another two weeks of separation and teaching and surviving.

After a good night's sleep, though, I'm more relaxed than I usually am, even on weekends. I know I have a thousand things to do, and I'll get there, but I also know that Sunday morning after Oxford is pretty much the only real down time in a string of up time, so it's easier not to feel guilty taking it. Event though everyone's worn out, it doesn't have quite the dire feel to it that it did a few months ago, and I think its even a bit more relaxed and hopeful- I think it has to do with the coming of summer-beginning to see the end, the energy from the kids, the warm weather. I also am beginning to realize how much I will miss them, and looking forward to doing everything differently next year so that I can do better by them.

We started the classification unit in biology this week that I have been looking forward to pretty much all year. I wanted to get through some of the molecular stuff first because it is important, and is also really the bulk of the curriculum- which we are required to followed, though I don't know how closely that is actually being checked, and if I get to teach Biology II next year I will definitely teach more what I think the kids will get the most out of and less what the state says. While I think the molecular stuff is great, the kids really don't get as much out of it, and really need a big picture first, especially since in their first year of biology, they learned how to pass a test. Anyway, there is really nothing on the curriculum for biology II that includes anatomy or physiology, so I pretty much just decided (after conference with Ms. Anatomy) to do a "classification" unit for the entire last nine weeks that involves dissecting different organisms and comparing them. Hey, its an in-depth classification study of at least one kingdom. That's as specific as the requirements are. Actually, I am trying to gear it toward comparing animals, which is really classification, and we'll talk about molecular phylogenies too. My kids are loving it so far, and I actually look forward to my biology classes.

I know I've already said this, but I am really looking forward to next year. There are so many things I know I could do better, and I am beginning to get anxious about getting there so I can do it right this time.

Hope everything is great in the world of teaching, job searching, getting through the weeks...we're getting there. See everyone soon.