The Answer

Do you got a pencil?
Do you got some tape?
Do you got the answer?
Will you give me the answer?
What is the answer?
I need to know the answer.

Just some thoughts...

I haven't been writing much lately, partly because I have this feeling that nothing I have to say is valid and a lot of my perspective is based on a fairly privaleged beginning. We all try to see things realisitically, to have a clear view and avoid prejudice, judgements and preconceptions. Except that all of my deeply rooted optimism and belief in the beuty (yes, I know) of the world is based upon a comfortable, nurturing childhood where I had the luxury of considering beuty. So that faith in the nature of people and the world and living is pretty strong, but I am beginning to question the fertile soil in which it was rooted, and wonder what kind of skew it has thrown on my perspective, and how this might compare with the kind of skew my kids have on theirs.

Most of my writing is somehow tied in with feeling; that is why, after all, we have something to say. It feels now like we have no right to analyze feeling, I guess, when our kids are deciding where to sleep tonight and wondering whether something bad will happen in the morning.

Please forgive the selfish introspection.

Which brings me to something else. This is a professional blog. I am often reluctant to write because it is so personal, and doesn't really adhere to the conventional sense of the professional. We are, after all, professionals, and expected to conduct ourselves as such. (Okay, and I'm still feeling like that's sort of an affected role, and a little shakey on the guidelines. And hate admitting it.) Here's the thing. Our professional lives are completely wrapped up in our personal lives; it is emotional. We don't give it permission to be, we don't invite it to seep under our skin until we think about nothing else, or at least until it is always knawing away someplace like an unsolved puzzle, a failed and guilty endeavor. It is difficult, for me, at least, to separate the emotional from the professional.

I went for a drive tonight to try to find a little bit of freedom, feel human again (it's amazing how quickly you forget to be a person, even after one day of school). I turned around when I realized that I was driving through thick, blinding (and dangerous) delta fog. Everything seems somehow deeper in the delta, beyond comprehension, like it's driven by something we can't understand that somehow controls everything; blame it on my sense of poetry and some kind of vague historical consciousness. Anyway, I rolled down my windows to listen for other cars since I couldn't see a thing, and I had to turn around in the middle of the road. It wasn't cold, but it was silent and moist. It felt like the night was coming in. The music, the car-heat, the lull of movment was temporary and artificial shelter. Like a chosen lie. Like the comfort we pursue. I guess somewhere I feel like finding happiness will make us more productive, will allow our best to come out and any true creativity or inspiration will come when we are not ourselves torn apart by circumstances. Of course, it feels like an excuse; happiness is selfish. But what is the alternative? To look only at pain?

So I'm a little analytical. Time to try and focus......

How could a person go to work in the morning come home in the evening and have nothing to say: Reflecting on the first semester.

I've been dreading this one. I'm optimistic to the point of idealism but it would be dishonest to pretend that I think that everything will be okay. It's not okay, and I'm not fixing it. I don't even think that I'm doing a better job than somebody from the area could do; in fact, someone from the area would at least have the student's loyalty and respect. I'm sure of this because a fellow teacher's position was taken by a gentleman who has grown up in the area of happy sunshine school district and upon arrival at the school he commanded instant respect from his students, and mine. Really, I think he could do a better job at my job most of the time.

To be fair, today I loved my job. For the first time in a really, really long time. For no reason in particular, my classes were quiet and interested. I hope I didn't jinx it. When the classroom management stuff clears a bit, some other stuff is clear, too; the academic struggles are more obvious, but easier to face head on. When my kids are doing what they need to be, it's also clear that I'd like to be doing about a zillion other things with them.

The bottom line is, I need some improvement. Sure there are some difficult factors in the situation. Most factors, though, are within the teacher's control. If everything were as it should be on my end, it would be much easier to deal with the problems that arise. I'm getting there, I swear.

Also, it seems that no amount of planning is enough, that lessons never go as planned, and that my best lessons happen when I ignore the plan and just teach, instinctively. It keeps me thinking, rather than expecting to rely on some plan, and it's much easier to calmly handle problems when I'm in that kind of thinking-on-your-feet mode.

In curriculum news, I haven't covered as much stuff as I am supposed to have covered if I want to finish everything in my chemistry classes, my chemistry II class does chemistry I work because out of the six, two have not ever taken chemistry I and the other four were given a free period and an automatic A during the aforementioned class last year, and it takes three times as long as expected to move my chemistry classes through material requiring any foundation of basic skills, because those skills have to be taught first. I'm working on finding better ways to teach it, but you have to feel along as you go. My biology classes understand some of the concepts but it is a real struggle to have them connect the concepts to anything real to them and think about how they apply. On the plus side, another teacher corps teacher and I (the two of us constitute the science department at happy sunshine district) combined our EEF money to order some really cool stuff to dissect, I already have the ten day written for an entire content competency/ set of objectives out of six total for the year since of course it was an assignment, and the dissections will be a huge part of another one, so hopefully there will be some time to work on research and writing, which is what I really think they need. I do have them write essays, but I really don't have much curriculum flexibility since we do not write our own nine weeks tests. So we're working within that where we can. Or trying to. Again, I'm not saying that I'm doing a good job with it.

The kids keep you going, of course. They're the reason for everything, and the reason it hurts so much to fail.

One last note; I'm concerned about my teaching, yes, but it would be about a billion times worse if I did not have the support of all my roommates. Thanks guys. A lot.

I used to always have something to say, some idea for how to fix stuff. I'm not sure how to fix this one. Again, I'm working on it. Hopeing to have some good news to report soon.