When the smoke clears....

This job will tear you apart. And make you love it.

It's Thanksgiving break, Sunday morning, class out yesterday night, the hours we've all been waiting for to catch our breath before diving back in.
One of my teacher corps classmates and her aunt were kind enough to offer me a place to stay for the night and a ride into memphis to catch a flight. It's funny how close I feel to all these people now; we've come to rely on each other in more ways than one, and I felt some mild regret leaving this kind of family, even to visit another.

I'm in her house now, rested from the first full night's sleep I've had in some days, and full of homemade muffins- it's great. All I can think about is my kids.

Not to be dramatic, but this is real, this is our everyday frustration, watching our smart, talented, passionate students being cheated. Fighting an avalance with a snow shovel. At least there are a lot of us.

I don't want to go home. I don't want to leave. I've been looking forward to this for months as some kind of reprieve, and now it feels like ducking out. I'll have some time to plan, at least, hopefully get my act together so I'll come back and have a bit more to offer. I'm giving it all some time to settle, the lost football game, the interrupted talent show, the everyday battle that teaching can be, and what's at stake.

Over Thanksgiving I also want to vist my old high school. Watch some of my favorite teachers and try to pick up a few things, now that I know what to look for.

Again not to be dramatic, but everything that was important before seems very small. I think we've all wanted to do something helpful all along, but it was never consuming in the same way. Of course, family, friends are still important, grades still matter. But it all looks a little more like background and the stuff that's haunting right now is what we're facing, what needs to get done and wondering if we're able to do it and what's going to happen to our kids.

Time to go...here's hoping that we'll make some kinds of a dent in this massive problem.

Classroom management

We were supposed to have enforced our rules and consequences, exactly as they stand, in one class, for two weeks. To get this out of the way right now, I didn't do that. I like some things slide, partially because I did not do a fantastic job of enforcing my rules and consequences at the beginning of the year, and it has therefore taken quite an effort to do so more frequently. I've been working in stages, being consistently harder on my students. Partly, the concern is that if I just go ahead and write them up every time they move through the other consequences for something like talking in class, I would be sending kids out all the time. While the administration has thus far been supportive in distributing consequences when I send students out of my classroom, they have also told us specifically that talking in class is a classroom management issue. I'm still torn. Maybe I'm just still being too soft. Also, though, there are times when they say they are talking about the material, and I believe them. If my students want to whisper to each other even about something else that is for some reason vital in their lives at that moment, I guess it doesn't feel right for me to punish them for that. Maybe I just need to stop making excuses. On the other hand again, though, when I have tried to be perfect with the classroom management, I spend so much time stopping little things that I loose some teaching time. However, I see the point being made. As I've been harder on my classes, it's been easier to teach. Still needs some work. I'm thinking of taking a classmates advice and doing another day or two on rules and procedures when we get back from thanksgiving. Seems like an opportune time.

Assigned blog of the month: Classroom management

Haunting thought (really one of about a dozen much bigger ones) for this morning: I had a student tell me last night during creative expression that there is no such thing as beauty. This was in response to a comment made that the good things are worth the pain. He was very upset at the time. One of the more emotionally aware/ intelligent, sensitive individuals I've met. Our kids are going through hell. Often wonder if talking makes it worse.

Time and place: Enjoying the solitude of delicious early morning hours to try and catch up (ha haha hehe hahaha) on some stuff.

Okay, on that assignment:

Classroom management. Mine could be better, but it isn't as bad as it was. Despite all the great advice received this summer about the central importance of rules and consequences, drawing the line was difficult. Personal tendency to let them get away with more than...than what? than I planned? Still not fully comfortable in the role of authority, mostly, I think, because I have a problem with it myself, even in concept.

Finally asked for some help and began sending kids out when they were conducting themselves in a manner inappropriate for the classroom or not conducive to learning. My administration dropped by a couple of times to make sure it was working when I finally admitted to them that I was struggling and started sending kids out. I also started administering detentions. I think I am the only teacher in the school that does so, and I don't even know that any actual detention has yet been held, but I've filled out the paper work and the kids know that I am filling out the paper work, so it seems to be somewhat effective. We'll see if it happens next week. At this point, dolling out actual next- level consequences as opposed to warning and writing assignments was really the only option.

On management, it seems to be getting better. I think they're probably learning more now, too. But it's a balance between making them comfortable enough to learn but still pay attention. I also do one-on-one talks with kids. Sometimes it helps for a while, but sometimes I'm pretty sure that they just pretend to listen and really have no interest in what I think of the situation.

It's been said a million times- pride and respect: really big deal. I think that was the main problem, for me, with my classroom management plan. They did not respond well to being assigned warning and writing assignments, of course. I felt like I was stepping on them when I take my consequences all the way and send them to the office, where they usually end up paddled or at home, which I presume is partially influenced by the way they handle themselves. And of course, the more sensitive or insecure students handle themselves a lot worse, still trying to make up for lost respect.

Anyway, I'm (confession here) still not fully comfortable with the whole you-be-"good"-or-else thing, but I'm doing it, and it seems to be getting better. Slowly. I'm more comfortable with it now because I have made lots of attempts to show my kids that I really care about them, and I'm not just the bad guy. But then again, we're not supposed to try to be friends for our students. I find this a tough balance to find. Working on it.

Another venting session about the game...

Some people workout when they're upset. Some eat junk food. When I get really upset about a particular issue, like many people, I poor my frustration into (very emotional) writing. If anyone's interested, here is my venting session from this morning, still working out the left-over emotions of last night's game. This one, of course is completely biased, but I thought it was worth sharing. It says a lot about how I feel about some of my students who are athletes, too. So please take this as a piece of emotional writing...


The happy sunshine team deserved to win Friday’s game, and they did win- at football. The defeat suffered by the team, the school, and the entire community was not at the hands of skilled competitor athletes; there would have been justice in that. This was a far more painful kind of defeat.
Athletics are known for the intensity with which they twist the hearts of the competitors, the dignity that may be found in throwing all of one’s strength and courage into something, the outcome of the mind and body’s complete focus, the comradery of a team, and the integrity of accepting wins and loses with grace. The Sunshiners achieve this grace and integrity in their practice and their conduct, and maintained it at Friday’s game, in the face of a force that could bring any proud man to his knees. It seems that the community has never had more reason to be proud of its athletes than they did on Friday.
The game was griping. Sunshine district maintained the lead for nearly the entire game. Push after push, the Sun-shiners threw themselves into all-out battle, despite bad call after bad call. Anyone would be hard pressed to recall a more dramatic or more painful scene in the history of athletics than the scene witnessed by the Sunshine district supporters who saw the reaction of the team after Friday’s game. Fury, feelings of helplessness, tears. The community cried with them. What consolation could team mates offer each other in the face of something like this.
Perhaps it was not the poor calls that wounded so deeply that night. It seems that stronger and more historical forces (please review the races of the players and head referee for more information) were on the minds of everyone watching the game. If the Sunshiners had lost fair and square on Friday, there still would have been pride in that. These gentlemen have plenty of reason to be proud, and the team is more than strong enough to handle a loss or two and come back fighting harder still. The community did not have the opportunity to witness their team give it their all and take a defeat. The community witnessed a team that gave it their all, that fought harder than the competition and wanted it more- a team that deserved a victory.
No wonder these young men and women so often express frustration and hold so dearly to pride and respect. Our teams put in phenomenal efforts daily under leadership of a coach who demonstrates and teaches integrity. Again, the community has reason to be proud of its athletes. Win or loose, our athletes show what they are made of and come out on top.

Our principal had to restrain our football coach from knocking out the referee at tonight’s game. No one would have blamed him if it had happened.

Our team took a defeat tonight, but not from the opposing team. Our players bested theirs at football. The team’s loss tonight was symptomatic of the apparently racist system that dictates the numbers that go in the books.

Three very, very bad calls by a white referee, all against us. Our guys wanted it more and fought harder.

Call it my bias, but I don’t think so. I’m pretty careful about that.

This is not about football. I’m furious.